I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
