i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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