The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Enjoy the penises
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
