dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
