So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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