Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize