She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
