If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
