Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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