she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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