The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
