4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
