Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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