he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
