I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
