Just fell off a train. Bad.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
