sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
