so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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