The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
