woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize