He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
