She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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