3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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