i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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