I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
