I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize