i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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