jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
