You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
