He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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