Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
