Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
