I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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