Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
