what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
