He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
