I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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