this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
