i may or may not be watching the land before time
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
