FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
