from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize