you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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