Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im part way to drunk.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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