new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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