I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
