I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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