any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize