I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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