just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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