Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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