you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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