shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
