I faked an abortion last night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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