i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
