I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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