At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
