Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
false alarm, still single
Randomize
