U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
