I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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