i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
