The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
