So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
